A trauma-informed marriage is knowing what spouses can work on together when one is healing from past trauma.
In a trauma-informed marriage it’s important to be flexible, ready to adapt, and adjust. Intrusive triggers, memories and intense grieving can happen without notice. All storms have different durations and intensities but will eventually pass. When your spouse is activated let go of any argument and save the discussion for another time. Pick up the slack for the one who is healing, such as going grocery shopping or making dinner.
Work as a team. Be alert and listen to what your spouse needs. For example, my husband knows not to touch me when I’m in a trigger or when ‘activated’ while I’m self-regulating. In the past, my husband, wanted to comfort me in his way, wanting to hug me or hold my hand. As a result, I was furious because being touched sent more terror running thru me. I also like to hear minimal words, such as “Your safe.” I am capable of working through it.
Let’s regulate together. When I began doing breathing exercises, my husband started doing them too, which is awesome. Healing trauma is stressful on a marriage and self-care for both is imperative.
Know that after a storm restoration is needed. Healing trauma is extremely exhausting mentally and physically. It’s not that the person healing is lazy. For example, when a patient comes home from the hospital after having surgery, they sleep a lot and their energy level is lower. It’s no different healing from trauma.
During storms of depression, grieving and triggers isn’t the time to evaluate your marriage. Most of the time, these storms are from intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and sensory flashbacks from the past being uprooted and integrating. Also, a survivor’s window of tolerance is smaller. Plus, all the intense grieving comes with each ‘new awareness’ on many different levels which can be very confusing. In the past, my husband felt rejected that I needed a lot of time alone. Now he knows I’m healing and doing self-care and it isn’t a reflection of him.
It’s normal for a husband and wife to trigger each other at times. It’s not intentional. We need to give each other grace. For example, I was walking up the stairs in our home wearing headphones to block out noise and all of a sudden, I heard a whisper behind my head with a presence in my hair, “I’m right behind you.” I jumped out of my skin, my heart was racing rapidly and I felt rage and said, “Don’t walk up behind me and whisper in my ear! I hate that!” I could tell my husband felt bad. He said, “I’m sorry!” As I was regulating myself, I said, “I have all this adrenaline and cortisol running through me.” I told my husband angrily, “I forgive you.” And then thought about all the loving things he does for me. My heart softened. But, four hours later, I thought man, I was mad! But, I know my husband would never hurt me on purpose.
Communicate to each other when you’re not in a good place. For example, the other day, my husband and I were on a walk. And I said, “I’m feeling really irritable. I need some space don’t walk so close to me.” He said, “ok,” and smiled. We then spread out a bit. I felt better and then by the end of the walk I was walking next to him again.
Take advantage of the times you feel good and have fun together. Give back to your spouse for being so good to you and celebrate!
Know that on a survivor’s worst day, they could be doing their greatest healing—even if it doesn’t look like it. Sometimes my husband would interfere with my healing process because he wanted to fix it and stop the hurting and try to cheer me up. Once he understood that I needed to go through the healing process it was easier for him to let go.
Focus on each other’s strengths. Know a beautiful future is coming. In the struggle, a new life is emerging.
