Author: Susie Lauri

Estrangement

Posted on by Susie Lauri

“Every time we were traumatized as children, we lost our breath, and that still happens today.” 

– Anthony Abbagano

It’s amazing how so many families protect the sexual predator, enabling them so they have no consequences to their vile of acts of incest, rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment against innocent children. 

When the truth teller speaks up, they are treated as insignificant, not believed, not supported, and outcasted while the incest perpetrators lie about their sexual assaults, sexual harassment and rapes.

Why do most families side with the predator (who is often one of the parents, or grand parent, or aunt or uncle) and their criminal acts against a child? Often family members refuse to believe that the abuse even occurred. 

Some researchers say it’s because the people live in disillusionment, not want to believe one or both parents are capable of such criminal acts. And usually there isn’t just one person in the multi-generational system sexually abusing children. 

When people in a dysfunctional family don’t believe the truth teller they put their own kids and others at risk for abuse. This generational curse of predators and enablers will continue until it is stopped being swept under the rug. 

Estrangement. Putting back together your fragmented self.

For the one sexually abused, it is a long road to put their fragmented self back together and to retrain their traumatized nervous systems to be calm. It is extremely challenging and difficult to live with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD). 

As children, we learn our identity from our parent(s), caregiver(s), siblings, relatives and/or teachers. Our “family”. Those of us, who later in life choose to be estranged from our families for our mental health, have let go of the ‘pathological hope’ of ever having a loving, close family and being treated with respect. Many of us were given the role as black sheep or scapegoat of the family. We have grown out of the role but the family hasn’t.

In the letting go of my family and healing trauma, I found myself covered and entangled in a web of traumatic grieving, more flashbacks, memories surfacing and releasing the poison out of my system. 

Letting go of the pathological hope of false beliefs for mental health.

Furthermore, those of us abused in our homes often became targets of sexual abuse, assaults and sexual harassment from other predators as well. Pedophiles look for children who walk with an emotional limp who are already suffering. They are in a sense easy prey because they’ve been groomed for sexual abuse.

Betrayed by Family of Origin

How do I come up to the surface? I’m drowning.
Where am I? I’m lost, disoriented.
I slam down, 
What happened to me me?
Overwhelmed, I need to throw up. 
Why am I alone? Why am I so far away?
I am not allowed to exist. I am shamed. And told not to tell.
I am bad. I am too much.
Where is my comfort? Filled with sorrow I spin. Where is my footing?
I’m drowning. Down, I go again. I can’t breath. I’m dying. No-one knows me.
Why was I born to not exist?
Where can I go? I’m trapped and alone. 

– Susie Lauri

It’s Not Your Fault

Posted on by Susie Lauri
Little girl flying away with a bunch of balloons

If you feel like you don’t belong it’s not your fault. We learn connection and belonging through our parents and caregivers. Psychologist, Janis C. Johnston states, “Incest is an extreme example of a behavior that damages the development of belongingness in a child… Trust underlies belonging in a family; family members cannot fully experience  belongingness with people they cannot trust. The need to belong goes awry… The need to share belongingness with other people becomes distorted when children are sexually abused.”1

Furthermore, it’s terrifying getting close to people because the deeply embedded imprint on the brain and body remembers; if you get close to people they will turn on you at any moment and abuse you. This is why our defenses are up. As adults, not being included can trigger this painful memory (emotional flashbacks) of not belonging, feeling as if you have nowhere to belong—no real roots. 

When a child is sexually assaulted; used, blamed, not allowed to express their emotions, and treated like a burden on an ongoing bases this becomes their roots of who they are. As a result, they are flooded with toxic stress hormones living in an environment that isn’t safe. How can a child know his or her worth if it isn’t accurately mirrored back to them? Psychiatrist, Bessel Van Der Kolk states, “If you feel safe and loved, your brain becomes specialized in exploration, play and cooperation; if you feel unwanted, it specializes in managing feelings of fear and abandonment.” 

Know that you do matter and you do belong! It takes time to heal and to know that you belong in this world. There is a place for you. Your new tribe will celebrate you. Also, there really are trustworthy people who will see you, and treat you with the worth and belonging you deserve. 

Group of girlfriends dancing in a circle

Awhile back, I participated in a ‘ropes course’ with a group of people out in nature. One day, we did a ‘Trust Fall’ and I was really nervous. I had to stand on a 5-foot raised platform stand backwards on the edge with my arms crossed in front of me, then fall backwards and let a group of people catch me. The instructor asked me two questions, “Do you trust yourself? Do you trust people?” I thought…Oh sh*t! As I was released backward to the people below. On my way down, I past out. My brain was protecting me so if I wasn’t caught, I wouldn’t know it. I didn’t trust myself nor people. My threat response went off and my body shut down. As I came to, people were hovered around me, speaking with caring words of support. I was learning to trust. (And yes, they did catch me.) 

The next day on the ropes course, we met inside the auditorium for a lecture. After the speaker finished, the lights were turned down for reflection. As my eyes were closed, one of the instructors came over to me and said, “Why won’t you let love in?” I felt dizzy and then past out again. There I was on the ground again. I didn’t know I had such a fear of trusting others and letting love in. At this time, I still had a lot of unprocessed trauma. 

In major losses and betrayals, I get triggered of not belonging and being abandoned. The roots of not belonging as a child run deep. I’m aware of my physiology changing when I’m in distress so I comfort myself with regulation exercises. As the painful emotions run their course, I remind myself, over and over, that these emotions aren’t permanent. I give more compassion to myself. By dismantling the triggers of not belonging, I remember where it originated… It wasn’t my fault. Resulting in the intensity and duration of the triggers being lessened, which makes healing so worthwhile. The hard work pays off.

There are so many of us…I see you and you belong.

Source
1 Psychologist, Janis C. Johnston, The Need For Belonging Goes Awry: Sexual Abuse and Children, 56 DePaul Law Review 909 (2007). 

What is Right With Me?

Posted on by Susie Lauri

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I invite you to ask, “What is right with me?”

When we have experienced learning while being abused, our procedural memory can easily takeover with accelerated speed, blaming and criticizing ourselves raw. As a result, we can experience “emotional dysregulation” and a rapid change in our physiology caused by stress hormones being released. 

Reset, Readjust, Refocus, Restart

Let’s give ourselves compassion from all we’ve been through. We deserve it. When we were treated less than and crushed emotionally it didn’t help our development or the situation. But now, we can give compassion to ourselves. I invite you to take a breath and relax any tension in your body. Reframing “What‘s wrong with me?” to “What is right with me?” Here’s an example list.

Investigate

What is right with me?

  1. I have endurance.
  2. I get up when I fall.
  3. I learn from my mistakes.
  4. I keep moving forward even when while I rest (refueling).
  5. I pause and slow down. 
  6. As a child, I was so resourceful that I survived all the abuse. And I’m still resourceful.
  7. I choose a new beginning—a new normal.
  8. I know how to conquer.
  9. I live in the present.
  10. I know how to have fun.

Thai Yoga Massage

Posted on by Susie Lauri

“Numerous studies have examined the effects of massage on everyone from babies and new mothers to breast-cancer survivors and people who suffer from migraines. The results are fairly clear that massage boosts your serotonin by as much as 30 percent. Massage also decreases stress hormones and raises dopamine levels, which helps you create new good habits.” ―Alex Korb, PhD 

Since receiving Thai Yoga massage combined with Swedish massage, I have more energy and increased flexibility throughout my body—especially in my neck and hips. I’m also sleeping better, happier, think clearer and rarely get a migraine (which is new for me). As a result of the domino effects of massage, my physiology is stronger. I bounce back quicker from triggers or being activated—even after waking up to a nightmare. 

Before my massage, I silently pray to God to release the toxins from my body, and to bless the massage practitioner as she works on me. The practitioner assists me into yoga postures and stretches that I rhythmically breath into. She helps put me into stretches that I couldn’t do on my own because it takes two people. Thai Yoga massage has been called the lazy man’s yoga because the stretches are held for us which I greatly appreciate! Massage is intermittently woven in. I also love, the hot stone and hot towels used on me. It’s important to drink a lot of water after massage to release the toxins out of the body. 

Glass of water

During and after massage, I have an enhanced base line of oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins and dopamine (the feeling wonderful hormones) and a reduction of cortisol and other stress hormones. It’s a great way to get recharged and refilled. 

I have implemented weekly, and often times, twice weekly. Thai Yoga – Swedish massage. Healing Trauma takes a toll on the mind and body with all the neurochemical floods and chronic exhaustion. Additionally, ongoing intense grieving which comes with new awareness—integrating past trauma, all the after-effects of accepting the cruel reality. Research shows that emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. (WebMD 2019 by Stephanie Hairston)

“Massage reduces pain because the oxytocin system activates painkilling endorphins. Massage also improves sleep and reduces fatigue by increasing serotonin and dopamine and decreasing the stress hormone cortisol. So if you’re feeling out of sorts, get a massage. You’ll be actively triggering the neurotransmitter systems that work to make you happier.” ―Alex Korb, PhD The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time.

In healing trauma, some of us lose relationships with our entire families—and relatives who don’t care and those who want nothing to do with us for speaking truth. It’s like losing a family all at once. In natural disasters people come together to help and support one another, unlike healing sexual abuse and other traumas. Peter A. Levine, PhD, states, “Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Therefore, it is so essential that we take really good care of ourselves, replenishing ourselves when we feel depleted. We are the CEO’s of our lives. All the turbulent storms in our mind and body pass which makes healing worth it when we feel AMAZING! Let’s keep moving toward a beautiful life by design. 

Massage Heals

Finally, the more I learn about neurobiology the better I understand how trauma and toxic stress affects our physiology and well being. And we can help insulate ourselves with self-regulation (“Interrupting a threat response with relaxation; breathing and movement”- Dr. Eric Gentry) and recharging ourselves so we are not flooded by stress hormones. 

Dr. Robert Rhoton, author, lecturer and CEO of Arizona Trauma Institute explained; “The stress hormone Cortisol reduces Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, Endorphins. And Cortisol reduces executive functioning, reduces the ability to stop or inhibit behavior, reduces logic and reasoning, and interrupts the forming of sequential memory.” 

Dr. Rhoton is also the instructor of the course, Trauma & Resilience Life Coach that I am currently taking. Dr. Rhoton passionately drives it home, “Our nervous system is running the show!”

Visualization and Meditation

Posted on by Susie Lauri

According to the American Psychological Organization, there are numerous benefits of meditation, prayer, and mindfulness, (from the article, The Benefits of Mindfulness, Prayer and Meditation written by Shirley Davis, Jan. 6 2020 CPTSDfoundation.org) such as better sleep, calmer emotions, increased ability to focus, increased memory, and greater self awareness.

Personally, I don’t relax while meditating and I find it annoying listening to others lead meditations. I find myself getting bored, agitated, activated, and having to self-regulate from listening to another person’s meditation. However, I have found another to way to get the benefits from meditation. By visualizing my inner child living in nature with God. I experience a calming peace that only God can give me. 

After having a very disturbing nightmare about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, I visualize God holding me. He takes me into His healing pool surrounded by the beauty of nature. God tends to me, pouring healing water over me.

God's healing water visualization of my inner child

All the slime of the trauma is off and out of me. When I’m nauseous, He gives me a healing tonic to drink. I feel my entire physiology change and become revived. Then, God has beautiful soft blankets and a robe for me to wear. I feel so loved and pure. As a result, my inner child wants to play (not even thinking about the nightmare). My inner child is then waterskiing with God on dolphins and laughing because it’s so fun.

In many of my visualizations, I am moving around and exploring. For example, I’ll be walking on the deep ocean floor with God. He’ll turn on a light so I can see. At other times, we are riding beautiful, white Warrior horses. In another example, I love being held by God and surrounded with our animals, lion cubs, panda cubs and kittens. 

Lion and cub for visualization

In my visualizations, I’m different ages — the ages of when I was abused. At times, I only want to be held by God and not do anything else. He is my protector and home. Moreover in times of intense flashbacks, I’ve held onto God for dear life while it feels as if everything around me is uprooted in a Tsunami. Even though I’m terrified, I experience a bright, yellow light protecting me. It’s as if I’m in the eye of the storm. Yet, I can hear and see what is going on. God will be co-regulating with me, which makes my breathing easier — and I’ll no longer be breathing shallow. 

Most visualizations I do with God are unique because my needs are different. Sometimes my inner child is celebrating with parties and enjoying delicious treats. Language and written words can’t describe my visualizations with God. 

One time when I was doing a visualization, I was so depressed and irritable. I couldn’t feel God’s presence. I kept asking, “I’m here, where are you?” Waiting and waiting, I got more mad. Then, I said, “You aren’t here so I’m going to run away and never come back here!” As I turned my back to walk away, I heard God say, “Wait, let me get my suitcase, I’m going with you!” We ran away together. My physiology became peaceful and happy because I wasn’t alone. 

I have found the more time I spend visualizing with God, the more agitated I am with other people’s meditations. If I’m on Zoom, I’ll lower the volume way down so I can’t hear them. Have you experienced frustration, shallow breathing and your body tensing up while listening to other people’s meditations? 

Dr. Thema’s quote resonates profoundly with me, “Many trauma survivors hold their breath and their bodies tightly, bracing themselves for whatever is coming next. Staying alert for years takes a toll.”  Learning new ways of releasing tension, breathing and releasing trauma is exhausting. But, we keep going regardless. I recently took an online course Advanced cPTSD, with Dr. Eric Gentry, Vice President of the Arizona Trauma Institute. He taught us a technique to help shallow breathers. I’m happy to share it with you. It’s easy… Interlock your fingers behind your neck while breathing. This helps to open the airway passage for better breathing. I love this technique, because it’s easier for me to breath when activated. If you are a shallow breather, you aren’t alone. There are many of us. 

In closing, my favorite soothing and grounding technique is doing visualizations with my inner child living in nature with God. In many of my visualizations, I’m moving which keeps me breathing naturally and my body peaceful. I don’t like being still — unless I’m visualizing God holding me as a baby. I have found this to be my go to visualization if I’m experiencing fear, exhaustion, depression or anxiety. God soothes me by rubbing my back, looking me in the eyes and nestling me into his neck with a soothing, gentle rocking with His body. I believe God is rewiring my brain for calm by rerouting my nervous system with His care. 

Trauma and Distortions

Posted on by Susie Lauri

Awhile back as I was healing, I had a visual of an old lady from a distance walking towards me. The closer she came, I realized she was a small child who had been abused. Barely walking, each step she took appeared painful. Startled, I realized she was me! I looked like a battered soldier walking away from war, alone. As I wrote this experience in my journal, I got dizzy and the room jolted sharply. Quickly, I realized I was in the present and kept writing my experience, though feeling nauseous. 

As I looked at myself as a child, my clothes and face was disfigured and drooping like a Salvador Dali painting (Spanish Surrealist artist).

Persistence of Memory, 1931 by Salvador Dali
Courtesy of DaliPaintings.com

Salvador Dali’s paintings represent trauma extremely well. The distortion of oneself, people, time, and reality. Drowning and fragmented parts that haven’t been processed, not belonging anywhere, floating, warped and flooded. It’s like being held underwater and not being able to breathe, and like being sucked into a vortex of the unknown—unable to escape the terror and detaching from oneself.

The Disintegration of the Persistence of Memory, 1954 by Salvador Dali
Courtesy of DaliPaintings.com

Moreover, time feels like forever…but it keeps repeating itself, not free from it. And time is also lost—where did the time go? Am I in the past, present or future? It’s hard to know what’s real. From the website dalipaintings.com it states, “Dali had studied psychoanalysis and the works of Sigmund Freud, before joining the Surrealist.” On Dali’s website his paintings depicted unhealed trauma and fragmented memories intruding in the present. Dali’s quote, “The secret of my influence has always been that it remained secret.” If Dali was a trauma survivor is it possible he released his secret on canvas? 

According to Dr. Camea Peca Salvador has a trauma history. He lost his mother and his brother as a small child, and Dali also had a lot of sexually-related trauma. It is said that his father showed him, at a very young age, pictures of bloody and ulcerated male members sick with venereal diseases. The goal was to warn him about the dangers of sex outside of marriage.

Recently, I took a pilot healing and painting class, and I was surprised by the release of emotions and stored pain. Painting skills were not required. It was more about the “process” of painting than what it actually looked like. I painted in more of an abstract style.

Some of my paintings depicted suffering and my inner child floating upside down in the sky. I was able to paint the turmoil and depression that was beyond word description. In one of my paintings of injustice, I painted Jesus on the cross holding a black sheep (me). We were both bloody and tormented by abuse. Yet, I knew His peace by being held by Him. We knew each other’s sufferings—at the hands of others’ evil and vile acts. I painted the background bright yellow representing Jesus’ resurrection power. This was my favorite and most powerful painting. Jesus my compassionate witness and being on the battlefield holding me. As I’m writing tears are flowing realizing the beauty of healing, integrating and living a transformed life—and listening to the song, I Am Woman, an empowerment of healing trauma.

My abstract painting’s tell my story. There are so many ways to heal using art, writing, talking, creating a video (I will post mine in the near future—extremely healing), music and relaxation exercises. There isn’t only one way to heal and integrate trauma. What modalities are you using to heal and tell your story? 

10 Tips for a Trauma Informed Marriage

Posted on by Susie Lauri

A trauma-informed marriage is knowing what spouses can work on together when one is healing from past trauma.


In a trauma-informed marriage it’s important to be flexible, ready to adapt, and adjust. Intrusive triggers, memories and intense grieving can happen without notice. All storms have different durations and intensities but will eventually pass. When your spouse is activated let go of any argument and save the discussion for another time. Pick up the slack for the one who is healing, such as going grocery shopping or making dinner.

Work as a team. Be alert and listen to what your spouse needs. For example, my husband knows not to touch me when I’m in a trigger or when ‘activated’ while I’m self-regulating. In the past, my husband, wanted to comfort me in his way, wanting to hug me or hold my hand. As a result, I was furious because being touched sent more terror running thru me. I also like to hear minimal words, such as “Your safe.” I am capable of working through it.

Let’s regulate together. When I began doing breathing exercises, my husband started doing them too, which is awesome. Healing trauma is stressful on a marriage and self-care for both is imperative.

Know that after a storm restoration is needed. Healing trauma is extremely exhausting mentally and physically. It’s not that the person healing is lazy. For example, when a patient comes home from the hospital after having surgery, they sleep a lot and their energy level is lower. It’s no different healing from trauma.

During storms of depression, grieving and triggers isn’t the time to evaluate your marriage. Most of the time, these storms are from intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and sensory flashbacks from the past being uprooted and integrating. Also, a survivor’s window of tolerance is smaller. Plus, all the intense grieving comes with each ‘new awareness’ on many different levels which can be very confusing. In the past, my husband felt rejected that I needed a lot of time alone. Now he knows I’m healing and doing self-care and it isn’t a reflection of him.

It’s normal for a husband and wife to trigger each other at times. It’s not intentional. We need to give each other grace. For example, I was walking up the stairs in our home wearing headphones to block out noise and all of a sudden, I heard a whisper behind my head with a presence in my hair, “I’m right behind you.” I jumped out of my skin, my heart was racing rapidly and I felt rage and said, “Don’t walk up behind me and whisper in my ear! I hate that!” I could tell my husband felt bad. He said, “I’m sorry!” As I was regulating myself, I said, “I have all this adrenaline and cortisol running through me.” I told my husband angrily, “I forgive you.” And then thought about all the loving things he does for me. My heart softened. But, four hours later, I thought man, I was mad! But, I know my husband would never hurt me on purpose.

Communicate to each other when you’re not in a good place. For example, the other day, my husband and I were on a walk. And I said, “I’m feeling really irritable. I need some space don’t walk so close to me.” He said, “ok,” and smiled. We then spread out a bit. I felt better and then by the end of the walk I was walking next to him again.

Take advantage of the times you feel good and have fun together. Give back to your spouse for being so good to you and celebrate!

Know that on a survivor’s worst day, they could be doing their greatest healing—even if it doesn’t look like it. Sometimes my husband would interfere with my healing process because he wanted to fix it and stop the hurting and try to cheer me up. Once he understood that I needed to go through the healing process it was easier for him to let go.

Focus on each other’s strengths. Know a beautiful future is coming. In the struggle, a new life is emerging.

The Exile In Me

Posted on by Susie Lauri

One of my exiles broke free. Her name is Innocent. I was glad to meet her because I was carrying a heavy load. She is now free to explore and enjoy life. And no longer mislabeled the bad one. She has always been innocent. It was safer for her to hide than acknowledge her parents abusive treatment and lies. But her hiding is over, no longer needing to fit the role of ‘less-than.’ For that was her identity given to her by her parents every time they sexually abused her. If she remained less than her parents knew she could never be enough. And no one would believe the truth of how they used her for their sexual pleasure and treated her inhumane.

Innocent no longer exiled; planted her feet on the ground, realizing she didn’t need to be afraid of people. Because it was her parents she was afraid of and couldn’t trust. As a result of the abuse, she hated herself and that’s how Innocent became exiled. But now the Self and Innocent have eyes to see. The poison and residue of abuse no longer keeps Innocent buried under the earth residing beside insects and worms. Innocent feels pure and light, beaming inside. Yet, fragile from being buried alive.

The Self realized all the ones who sexually abused her including the group of older boys and the Catholic priest ran over Innocent. She was snuck up on, taken and many times woken up out of her sleep to be knocked down unconscious by sexual crimes.

The Self and Innocent had an army of Firefighters protecting them. The Firefighters were exhausted working 24/7 and monopolizing the Self’s energy. The fire alarms, fire drills and fire trucks running at reckless speeds toward anyone trying to get close to her. The Firefighters didn’t want Innocent to have any allies to try and help her become free. Their mission was to protect Innocent and keep her exiled.

The Firefighters had access to the Self’s control panels of the Autonomic Nervous System. All they had to do was press buttons and the Self would experience neuro chemical floods and droughts; collapsing and passing out right before a flashback would try to surface or come to life, trying to make the suffering stop. One time while in session with her psychologist, a very bold Firefighter started scratching the inside of the Self’s arm really really hard and fast, so a memory wouldn’t come out.

It was a painful distraction. But the Self’s psychologist was smarter than the army of unruly Firefighters. After all, the Firefighters and Exile are small children. After, he co-regulated with the Self to settle and calm down. Her psychologist said, “On a landscape, I know where you are.” At that moment, the Exile named Innocent slightly opened her eyes from underground. It was the first time, someone knew she existed.

Over time, Innocent began to awaken becoming stronger and stronger. The army of Firefighters assigned to protect her no longer wanted to keep Innocent bound. The Self, Firefighters and Innocent had slowly became friends. They each began having compassion for one another, realizing how much they had in common. The Self and Innocent gave each Firefighter a badge of honor for all they did, trying to protect them from blood thirsty predators, waiting to eat them alive if Innocent ever appeared.

In closing, the predatory behaviors of the adults were already inside them to commit sexual crimes. Innocent did nothing to illicit their criminal acts against her. Yet, for a time it was safer for her to be exiled and be protected by Firefighters because of the torment she lived in. Innocent reaches her hand out to those of you ran over by abuse, trickery and lies, challenging you to look deep inside. Is it possible that there is an Innocent exile in you?