One of my exiles broke free. Her name is Innocent. I was glad to meet her because I was carrying a heavy load. She is now free to explore and enjoy life. And no longer mislabeled the bad one. She has always been innocent. It was safer for her to hide than acknowledge her parents abusive treatment and lies. But her hiding is over, no longer needing to fit the role of ‘less-than.’ For that was her identity given to her by her parents every time they sexually abused her. If she remained less than her parents knew she could never be enough. And no one would believe the truth of how they used her for their sexual pleasure and treated her inhumane.
Innocent no longer exiled; planted her feet on the ground, realizing she didn’t need to be afraid of people. Because it was her parents she was afraid of and couldn’t trust. As a result of the abuse, she hated herself and that’s how Innocent became exiled. But now the Self and Innocent have eyes to see. The poison and residue of abuse no longer keeps Innocent buried under the earth residing beside insects and worms. Innocent feels pure and light, beaming inside. Yet, fragile from being buried alive.
The Self realized all the ones who sexually abused her including the group of older boys and the Catholic priest ran over Innocent. She was snuck up on, taken and many times woken up out of her sleep to be knocked down unconscious by sexual crimes.
The Self and Innocent had an army of Firefighters protecting them. The Firefighters were exhausted working 24/7 and monopolizing the Self’s energy. The fire alarms, fire drills and fire trucks running at reckless speeds toward anyone trying to get close to her. The Firefighters didn’t want Innocent to have any allies to try and help her become free. Their mission was to protect Innocent and keep her exiled.
The Firefighters had access to the Self’s control panels of the Autonomic Nervous System. All they had to do was press buttons and the Self would experience neuro chemical floods and droughts; collapsing and passing out right before a flashback would try to surface or come to life, trying to make the suffering stop. One time while in session with her psychologist, a very bold Firefighter started scratching the inside of the Self’s arm really really hard and fast, so a memory wouldn’t come out.
It was a painful distraction. But the Self’s psychologist was smarter than the army of unruly Firefighters. After all, the Firefighters and Exile are small children. After, he co-regulated with the Self to settle and calm down. Her psychologist said, “On a landscape, I know where you are.” At that moment, the Exile named Innocent slightly opened her eyes from underground. It was the first time, someone knew she existed.
Over time, Innocent began to awaken becoming stronger and stronger. The army of Firefighters assigned to protect her no longer wanted to keep Innocent bound. The Self, Firefighters and Innocent had slowly became friends. They each began having compassion for one another, realizing how much they had in common. The Self and Innocent gave each Firefighter a badge of honor for all they did, trying to protect them from blood thirsty predators, waiting to eat them alive if Innocent ever appeared.
In closing, the predatory behaviors of the adults were already inside them to commit sexual crimes. Innocent did nothing to illicit their criminal acts against her. Yet, for a time it was safer for her to be exiled and be protected by Firefighters because of the torment she lived in. Innocent reaches her hand out to those of you ran over by abuse, trickery and lies, challenging you to look deep inside. Is it possible that there is an Innocent exile in you?